EXCERPT FROM
The Shy Paramour’s Manual
by
RANDY ELROD, DFG
Doctor of the Forbidden Genitals
—For the Guidance of Repressed Persons—
(Drawing by Pablo Picasso)
It is a shameful matter, dear reader, that despite humanity’s long experience of fucking you still do not know how you fuck, or how you ought to fuck. It is commonly thought that fucks differ only in duration and that, basically, they are all of the same type. A gross error.
The subject I present to you now, analyzed with all possible care, has been badly neglected—not because it was deemed unworthy of attention but because it was thought not to lend itself to a methodical approach and new discoveries. This was a mistake.
Fucking is an art and, therefore, something valuable in life—as Miller, Reage, Nin, etc. pointed out. It is indeed more important than people typically imagine—to know how to fuck in the right way at the right time. Thus one should fuck judiciously and shamelessly, as I shall show in the course of this work.
A fuck that tries vainly to orgasm,
And then results in frustration
often ends in shame.
For the life of a repressed mortal
unable through the wet portal to climax
By a FUCK may be saved.
I will not hesitate, then, to apprise the public of the research I have carried out and the discoveries I have made in connection with an art about which one finds nothing satisfactory even in the most comprehensive religious works; in fact—incredible as this may sound—they lack even the terminology of this art whose pleasures I will now expound to those who are curious to know them.
PART ONE
General Definition of A Fuck
Fuck, which in Greek is called Gamó, in Latin, Futuo, in early Saxon, Ffyc, in High German, Ficken, in French, Foutre, in Esperanto, Fiku, and Spanish, Follar—is commonly thought of as having sex until orgasm and/or ejaculation occur. Sex can mean heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina or anus by the penis and various sexual (gay, lesbian, transgender, self, etc) intercourse (such as anal, oral, hand, etc).
Nevertheless, there are dictionaries and religious works that are narrow and even rash enough to maintain—absurdly, arrogantly, and stubbornly, and despite what Lil Nas X, Ricky Martin, Ellen Degeneres and Melissa Etheridge and all the other innumerable LGBTQ+ celebrities and, yes, those closeted members of our own families—that the word fuck, properly understood (that is to say, in its true sense), should only refer to the union of one penis owner and one vagina owner connected legally and spiritually in marital wedlock until death do them part, and then, and only then for the purpose of procreation. They base their ridiculous case on this Biblical verse of dubious origin which gives a very mysterious idea of a fuck:
פְּר֥וּ וּרְב֛וּ וּמִלְא֥וּ הָאָ֖רֶץ (Genesis 1:28 Original Hebrew)
Literal translation: To bear fruit, be fruitful, to be or become much, many or great, to fill, be full of.
But who can fail to see that whoever wrote this line used the Hebrew word for fruit, an f-word that means a product of plant growth (such as grain, vegetables, or cotton)? The writer ties himself (of course, it was a penis owner) in knots in order not to utter the blasphemous fleshly “f-word.”
Furthermore, the art of fucking has received little attention in the history of Western philosophy, and what it did receive was not good: Plato denigrated it, Aristotle barely mentioned it, Christian philosophers condemned it, and Jean-Paul Sartre claimed that sexual desire aims to capture the other’s freedom. The Marquis de Sade (a philosopher of sorts) went to the opposite extreme, celebrating all types of sexual acts, including rape.
It was only during contemporary times that philosophers, beginning with the likable Bertrand Russell (1929), had a very different notion of the fuck from that understood by the vulgar. According to him, it would be well if men and women could remember, in fucking, to practice the ordinary virtues of tolerance, kindness, truthfulness, and justice. One day, perhaps in the company of his mistress, Lady Ottoline, he said something like this,
“I believe in a good time. I believe in good food. I believe in fucking.”
Generally speaking, then, the fuck consists of getting wet— exchanging bodily fluids, or for the more health conscious, creating bodily fluids while using protection to keep from exchanging them. Getting wet, or so the doctors say, during sexual activity is a typical physiological reaction to prepare for fucking: producing vaginal and penile fluids to enable painless penetration and movement.
But we hide nothing here; this art form manifests itself through the body’s various orifices, whether with or without an explosion. Sometimes, nature drives fluids out effortlessly, and sometimes, art must be invoked to help nature accomplish an easy arousal that will be a source of pleasure, often even of bliss. It is what gives rise to this censored proverb:
To live healthily and long,
King David
never miss a chance to fuck.
But let us return to our definition and show that it conforms to the soundest rules of physiology because it embraces the genus, its properties, and its distinguishing features—quia nempe constat genre, material et differentia.
- It includes all its origins and types—we shall look at them one by one.
- As it is unique as a genus, there is no doubt that it is also unique in its distant origin—that which results in pleasure, pain, and, at times, progeny.
Let us argue this out thoroughly before shoving our sensory receptors into the various openings of an other. We are saying then that the substance of the fuck becomes passionate and tends to enlarge and engage certain organs.
PART TWO
Distinguishing Between Fucks and Non Fucks, notably the Good Fuck and the Bad Fuck, and a Complete Demonstration of the Definition of the Fuck.
We said earlier that the fuck entails getting wet and, ideally, exchanging bodily fluids with an other. That distinguishes it from onanism, coitus interruptus, and “spilling one’s seed.” We must note that onanism, or masturbation, is prevalent in humans and in many mammals, ranging from bats to whales, monkeys and apes, Barbary macaques, and more than fifty species of non-human female primates.
Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, “Give me masturbation or give me death.” Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, “To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion.” In another place this experienced observer has said, “There are times when I prefer it to sodomy.”
Robinson Crusoe says, “I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art.” Queen Elizabeth said, “It is the bulwark of virginity.” Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, “A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush.” The immortal Franklin has said, “Masturbation is the best policy.”
—From Thoughts on the Science of Onanism by Mark Twain
Onanism produces bodily fluids, but in this case, they are not exchanged. Ironically, the Collins British dictionary calls masturbation self-abuse, wanking, frigging, playing with yourself, autoeroticism, flying solo, and beating the meat—but it is important to note that never does Collins call it fucking. Thus, we can safely assume that wanking (my synonym of choice) is non fucking. Or, is it?
So one should not favor one more than the other; whether the fluids are exchanged or not, the fuck and non fuck are both beneficial, and no one should be in doubt of this. Indeed, we read in the sixty-ninth volume of Dionysus that in ancient Greece, during Bacchanalia, the satyrs and sileni were obliged during Lenaea to enjoy a drink, a wank, and a fuck in front of their god.
It may be hard to believe there exists bad fucking, but alas, it is so. Dull, monotonous, disgusting, and insipid are words that come to mind. A fuck can be practically or pragmatically bad: a politician or minister coercing interns or children, unprotected sexual intercourse contracting HIV, sex without contraception resulting in undesired pregnancy, and arrest during public sex. I think we may all agree that these are fucking bad.
We see that a good fuck can lead to positive outcomes: a sense of rejuvenation, loss of calories, or a wanted pregnancy. A good fuck most obviously refers to pleasurable sex. A fuck can be good or bad depending on the amount and intensity of the pleasure or pain it provides, though it should be noted that pain in sex, for some, can add to its pleasure.
To complete our definition, it only remains for us to say something here of the fundamental cause of the fuck. Sometimes it is nature safeguarding the health of the body, and sometimes it is a delectation or pleasure achieved by art—but that we will deal with next along with the effects of the fuck (see Part Three). However, we will note here that we reject entirely any pursuits without mutual consent or damaging to the health, as such abuses cannot take a decent, honest place among reasonable and pleasurable pursuits.
PART THREE
A Musical Question. A Unique Duet. A Clever Device to Enable a Musical Fuck.
A Tantric scholar has posed a question which it is challenging to answer: can there be music in fucking? I must make a distinction. That there is music in screaming orgasms, I will agree; in moaning fucks—no, I disagree.
The music made by screaming orgasms is not like music produced by the voice or by a sonorous instrument like a violin, a guitar, a harpsichord, etc. It derives purely from the mechanism of the larynx, which produces sounds that are correspondingly high-pitched by contracting or stretching to a greater or lesser degree. But the music of fucks is of the type produced by shrieking, and as we should exclaim, it is comparable with the wail of a baby, a coyote, or a dying rabbit. Now, explosive orgasms are the only fucks capable of making music; and the music will vary among the different types of participants. So there can be music in fucks, as the following example will show even more clearly.
Two daring people, lovers of mine, had an exceptional talent which often afforded them and me amusement. During orgasm, one would squeal to their heart’s content on different notes, and the other would wail curses or blasphemy—also on various notes. The squealer, in order to put more elegance and refinement into what they did, used to take a piece of cloth, tie it around the head, and cover their mouth, all while naked, and by squirming their head around, would produce a variety of sounds, organ-like and flutey. “When I have feelings inside of me, they need to get out—making noise is a great way to do that,” they shrilled.
I admit that this music was not very harmonious, nor were the modulations very skillful; and it would be difficult even to imagine singing rules for a concert of such music, and difficult to blend properly the first sopranos and the first tenors. But I venture to suggest that a skillful music master could devise an original system for it which would be worth handing down to posterity and which would take its place in the art of composition; it would be a diatonic system arranged according to Mixolydian, in which the chromatic notes would be produced by clenching the teeth. It would undoubtedly be a success, and soprano saxes and jazz musicians would bring it to excellent use.
PART FOUR
Various Types of Fucks
So as to leave out nothing concerning the art of fucking we are happy to list now a number of fucks that have not yet appeared in this work. We could not think of everything in advance, particularly with little-known territory like this being trodden for the first time. It is, therefore, only now, after reports very recently received, that we have written what follows. We will begin with provincial fucks, in honor of the provinces. But let us hasten to state that this list is by no means comprehensive.
“I DON’T KNOW WHICH TO PREFER.”
Lord Byron
Provincial Fucks
Experienced people assure us that these fucks are not as sophisticated as Parisians, where they are refined in everything. They are not served up with so much polish; they are old-fashioned and have a bit of a simplicity about them. One might call them earthy.
Household Fucks
From remarks made by a well-known housewife of Petersburg, we learned these fucks have an excellent flavor when they are in their first bloom, and when they are new, they can be gobbled up with pleasure. But after they have settled, they tend to lose their savor and become like pills that one only swallows out of necessity.
Island Fucks
It has been written about the islands of the Amazons and Lesbos that the fucks procured there have a wildness and are of a very feral quality. It is said that only in those enclaves are these untamed fucks to be found, but no one knows for sure. Though it is accepted that these fucks are extremely rare.
Older Fucks
A 92-year-old sex guru, when asked if centenarians should still fuck, once famously said, “Fuck yes! If they have a good partner, they should fuck. If they don’t have a partner, they should fuck themselves. Expiration dates are for milk, not for fucking.” We are happy to note that seniors are doing a lot more exciting things with their time than chastely knitting in the warm glow of Jeopardy—they’re watching porn, having kinky fucks, dating online, using sex toys and happily engaging in consensual fucks with people other than their spouse. It should come as no surprise that older people have the most pleasurable fucks.
Sex Worker Fucks
These are sometimes rather curious; they have a tempting variety, are usually raucous, and require money. But be careful of them—they are a very mixed lot. If you fail to come to a decision, take those with a European or Asian heritage. As a wise person once said,” The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.”
Promiscuous Fucks
“A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more fucks than you are,” so says Victor Lownes. In the past, and particularly among religious people and Americans, these fucks are usually accomplished in secret. But since polyamory is now gaining acclimation, having casual sexual relations frequently with different partners provides a felicitous novelty.
Younger Fucks
What these fucks lack in experience, they make up for with vigor. Age differences bring mutual advantages. Ah, to be young again. You will notice that many younger people have taken up fucking older partners. Whether this is trophy spouse syndrome, a daddy or mommy issue, or something else, we cannot say. But it thrills us to see ageism on its demise.
Cuck Fucks
We see lots of “C” words here. Cuckold, cuckquean, cuckoldress, candaulism, competition, and compersion. Cucks enjoy laying their eggs in another’s nest; others enjoy having eggs laid in their nest. No matter which variation (one should also include wittolds, bulls, masochism, and humiliation) of this art of fuckery, the ensuing storyline becomes convoluted and more than meets the eye. For Shakespeare, cuckoldry is chimerical, Much Ado About Nothing. Still, it may prove a beneficial fantasy or reality for many modern freethinkers.
Maniac Fucks
These fucks appear in at least two categories, perhaps more: Nymphomaniac (referring to all sexes) and the outdated term, Satyromaniac, which refers to those assigned male at birth. This fuck type is also called hypersexuality and occurs when someone has difficulty managing sexual behaviors, arousal, or urges. The American journalist Mignon McLaughlin famously said that a female nymphomaniac is a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. No matter if this is true, we must urge caution when encountering any gender that is a maniac fuck. While it can be filled with endless bouts of lust and debauchery, average humans can only fuck so much.
CONCLUSION
As there are privations of every kind, and as there are quite a lot of people who fuck only rarely and with difficulty, so that they are plagued with all manners of misfortunes and illnesses, I thought I should write something for these unfortunates and devote this short treatise to ways and means which might help them release the fluids of this most basic of instincts that torments them. I have taken great pains to provide guidance and perhaps be of some benefit to the repressed and suppressed persons of the world. Sleep together, roll in the hay, love, make out, make love, sleep with, get laid, have sex, know, do it, be intimate, have intercourse, have it away, have it off, screw, jazz, eff, hump, lie with, bed, have a go at it, bang, get it on, bonk, or fuck, whichever terminology people use, they will undoubtedly gain relief.
Click Here for A Gallery of the Art of Fucking
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(If you’ve made it this far, the explicit art should not offend you. Enjoy.)
