As I was teaching a social networking class in Atlanta yesterday, a valid point was made by a very successful author, that Twitter seems so…well, let me just spit it out…so…narcissistic.
I continue to hear this comment from highly intelligent people who feel a deep resistance to Twitter—from record label executives and pastors, to artists and authors.
It seems as if a fine line separates narcissism and selflessness even though in reality they are antonyms and chasms apart.
Or are they?
Is it possible that in being ourselves we are in fact at our most selfless.
Here are Four Distinctions Between Narcissism and Selflessness
1.) “Couching Your Terms.” My life coach after hearing a recounting of my life story in a gathering of extremely successful businessmen, asked me why, after four years of working together on a weekly basis, did he hear so many aspects of my life of which he was completely unaware. As we pushed into this, we realized that I tend to “couch my terms” when I am around people whom I feel my true life story would intimidate. Because of the success of the men around me that day, I felt the freedom to be who I truly was.
He challenged me to reconsider “couching my terms.” Could it be, he asked, the real me who gives all of who I really am without holding back will only intimidate people when intimidation is needed? Could it be that intimidation could possibly lead to introspection and quite possibly to inspiration?
He helped me realize that “couching my terms,” (i.e. holding back the complete truth about myself) was not selflessness, on the contrary it was selfish.
2.) We need each other’s uniquenesses in order to fully be ourselves. Ayn Rand, an author who wields profound influence in my life, penned a short novel called Anthem. It is written as the diary of a young man, Equality 7-2521, living in a future in which people have lost all knowledge of individualism, to the point of not even knowing words like I or mine. Everyone lives and works in collective groups, with all aspects of daily life dictated by councils — the Council of Vocations, the Council of Scholars, etc.
When he is assigned to a menial job cleaning the streets, he rebels against collectivism by conducting secret scientific research, which eventually leads him to re-create electric light. When he presents his discovery to the Council of Scholars, they condemn him for daring to act as an individual and threaten to destroy his creation. He flees into the Uncharted Forest. He is joined there by his love, a girl called Liberty 5-3000.
They come across an ancient house, a relic of the Unmentionable Times before collectivism. There they rediscover the lost language of the self. They rename themselves Prometheus and Gaea (after the ancient Greek myths), and Prometheus vows to use his new knowledge to build a society based on individual freedom.
3.) None of us are smarter than all of us. If we do not freely share our knowledge, others suffer. Twitter is the ultimate intelligence machine, and as we all contribute what is uniquely ours, the world becomes a better place.
4.) Understand the difference between self-absorption and selflessness. Self-absorption is the preoccupation with oneself to the exclusion of others or the outside world. Selflessness is having little or no concern for oneself, but rather as Coleridge writes, “devoted to others’ welfare or interest.”
I suppose the bottom line to the fine line is motive.
What is our reason for Twitter, or for that matter, for social networking, for community and for life?
Is it self-serving, self-absorbed and socialistic?
Or is it selflessness, truly being who we are, and freedom?
Do you dare weigh in on this?
If so, for God’s sake, don’t “couch your terms!”
33 responses to “Every Person On Twitter & Facebook Should Understand The Fine Line Between Narcissism & Selflessness”
[…] The Fine Line Between Narcissism and Selflessness by Randy Elrod [Social Media] […]
This profound line caught all my attention: “I suppose the bottom line to the fine line is motive.”
Motivation is the “bottom line” to everything we do. Social media postings: are we trying to show off by posting we just had lunch with the Governor? Or do we post something we learned in a discussion with him that we want to share with others?
A lot like the spreading the gospel. Do I try to “share my faith” with you, or do I ask you to tell me about how YOU feel about God.
For me you hit the nail on the head. When I go to post on Twitter or Facebook–is it all about me, or everyone else?
@Agatha Nolen, Thanks, Agatha, for understanding the heart of this post!
I approach Twitter as a ministry. I try to be an encouraging voice, share information, link to helpful things. On Twitter, I have been blessed to pray for others, share life-saving information, give encouragement desperately needed, restore friends to health, warn other of incoming danger, share the Gospel, and so forth. I’ve been amazed at how fluid and adaptable Twitter is.
It may be the ideal tool for changing lives, outside of face-to-face interaction.
On Twitter, I consider myself to be the Lord’s servant, and I do not limit what he may choose to do. Twitter is all about community, all about the people who are there, and that’s what he wants us to be about, too.
I’m not perfect. But this a far-cry from self-absorption.
@Cassandra Frear, Awesome, Cassandra. Awesome!! ” I LOVE your quote!! “I’ve been amazed at how fluid and adaptable Twitter is.”
Do you dare weigh in on this? I wouldn’t know where to begin.
@dave wells, Wow! Dave! I understand!!
I said this the other day, but I think it applies here as well”
I have to constantly ask myself…what is the line on building “your brand” and self promotion. It feels messy to say that, but it is hard.
How do you do this with the mindset that ultimately I am not promoting myself but God. But the allure of what men or women say about me is so great that it is easy to forget that it is not about me.
@Kyle Reed, Yes, Kyle, it IS messy!! But it is worth the risk!!!
Randy…this is a great post. I’ve wrestled with being totally myself for some time (as I believe most creatives do). I joke sometimes that I’ve been through a process of humility through humiliation where people who wanted me to fit a mold tried to conform and construct who I was. Thankful for those times that brought strength to resting in God’s love and work in my heart and in the heart of others. And that ultimately trusting Him to continue to shape me brings more freedom to be me.
On another note, I think serving as a worship pastor at a church makes me feel sometimes like I can’t put it “all” out there. Sometimes there’s wisdom in that (because I’m a button pusher by nature) but I’m learning how to balance wisdom in silence along with walking with authentic transparency. I feel like that last sentence had to appear in some church growth/leadership book I’ve read at some point. That was a lot of buzz words for one sentence.
At any rate, thanks for your honesty and heart for creatives. Even though we’ve never met I feel like I’m learning a lot from afar. I’m looking forward to Recreate next year if we don’t meet sooner.
@adam herod, Thanks, Adam, for making our conversation richer!!
Wow, Randy…one of your strongest posts yet. Inspiring and indicting simultaneously. It brings to mind the Marianne Williamson poem, “Our Deepest Fear,” which in part reads:
“Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
“We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.”
The challenge to myself: stop “couching my terms,” stop “playing small” and to more freely and transparently give of ideas, encouragements and relevant information with an eye toward effecting real impact on His Kingdom.
Thanks for a great post!
@Dennis Disney, Thanks, Dennis. What a powerful poem!! thanks for quoting that!
“He helped me realize that “couching my terms,” (i.e. holding back the complete truth about
myself) was not selflessness, on the contrary it was selfish.”
I’ve struggled with this because I’ve tried to be completely open and transparent both when sharing my life’s story and in electronic media. I’ve had people telling me I need to start couching my terms because it’s just too much for some people to handle and that I need to taylor my message to say what I want them to hear. It just doesn’t feel right to me hiding all kinds of things. Perhaps I knew it was selfish without realizing it was selfishness.
@Jason, Yes, it is indeed a fine line. Thanks, Jason.
I think you’ve locked into a core struggle here, Randy. One that’s bigger than social media. We all seem to be in search of the “line” that separates narcissism from selflessness. The reason social networking exacerbates this struggle is that it can feel like we are communicating behind an image rather than being our true selves.
If I remember the story, Narcissus despised those that loved him. He had a hardness of heart, where no intimacy or real connection with another could exist. He fell in love with the image of himself – not his real self.
Narcissism reveals the places where we are not loving, connecting, sharing and being intimate. Where we are not caring for our (or others’) soul. (This comes from my reading of Thomas Moore’s book Care of the Soul, where he recounts the story and imagery of Narcissus).
What you’ve so beautifully captured in your post is that the “line” appears to be the difference between our being/loving our true imperfect selves vs. being/loving a perfect image of ourselves. Which means, as long as we are reaching out, connecting, sharing and trying to help others, we are not being narcissistic.
@Keith Jennings, Yes, exactly!!
Thanks, Keith. It is really great to now be able to picture who you are in the flesh as I read your astute comments!!
@Randy Elrod, I feel EXACTLY the same way as I read your heart-and-head-stirring posts! Let’s keep the momentum alive!
@Keith Jennings, Yes!!!
ouch.
Couching your terms lest you intimidate people – as if it were a bad thing — because heaven forbid we should be a catalyst or something in someone’s life, causing them to simulatenously hate us for providing mirror they don’t like (and who wants to be hated) and hunger for more in themselves and maybe of God.
Couching your terms is selfish.
ouch.
I’m an emotional couch potato.
Love it.
As for twitter, I don’t utilize it that much. Facebook is enough for now.
Great piece Randy.
@Deana, Well said, Deana. Thanks for your honesty!!
Randy,
I believe our transparency, or authenticity, is very valuable in distinguishing between our selflessness and selfishness.
An excellent post, thank you!!
@chris vonada, Thanks so much, Chris. I agree!
What a wonderfully thought-provoking post. It causes me to think about deliberately being more “myself” when I tweet or post on Facebook. Too often I am afraid to reveal my “real” self, but you have given me permission and encouragement to do so. I think the world is a richer place because of people like you who have intentionally given the gift of your “self” to those of us who learn from your example and follow your lead. Once again, Randy, you are doing an excellent job of “influencing influencers.” Thank you!
@Tom Eggebrecht, Thanks, Tom. I am well aware that I can only influence those who care to be influenced.
Thanks for joining the conversation and for your willingness to be yourself!
Wow … good stuff to think about. Finally, a wise, balanced piece about the value and understanding of Twitter (and other social media). Similar thoughts have been swirling through my mind recently, but I could not have articulated them as well.
And that’s not “couching my terms” that’s the honest truth :)
Though I’ve been accused of “couching my terms” so I really like what you said about that. I struggle with finding the line of feeling narcissistic … and yet sharing something about myself and/or my life that could help someone else.
I’ll be ponder this post for some time …
@Janet Oberholtzer, Yes, it is worth pondering. When my life coach said it, it took me quite a while to let it sink in. Thanks, Janet!
I’m on the same boat as Spence. I’ve really tried to be more relevant and try to use Twitter and other social networks to be more relatable to those who follow and keep up with me.
Thanks for sharing such awesome insight.
@Marcel Freire, Thanks, Marcel for joining this conversation!!
Social Networks provide incredible tools for us to be ourselves—if we will!
I’m so glad u said all of this. Some times feel like I share too much and at times.. Not enough. I’ve gotten my fair share of jokes and jabs thrown my way for always sharing and being on twitter.. So much so at times I just back off.
I think the real challenge is to keep sharing what could be relevant and inspiring for others… And to have fun trying to bring a smile to people on occasion:)
@Spence Smith, Yes, indeed. Thanks, Spence!
Thought-provoking as always. I am reminded of a “leader” (true story) who instructed his team to RT all his tweets and to list him on FF every week because “people need to read my wisdom”. Not surprisingly, many members of his team have the mindset that people should follow them for their wisdom and insight (which in truth is questionable), but the return follow, leading to engagement and interaction/connection, is not part of the equation.
I agree that motivation is the key. I also find that people tend to be their most real in the safety and anonymity (outside of a small group one may know personally) of an on-line environment like Twitter. It does not take long to determine on which side of that fine line that most people fall on Twitter. It becomes pretty obvious if you pay attention.
@Kevin Owens, Great point, Kevin!
“I also find that people tend to be their most real in the safety and anonymity (outside of a small group one may know personally) of an on-line environment like Twitter.”
Thanks for joining the conversation.